“Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” -Jim Morrison
UPDATE 9-22 Forgot to tell you the most important thing... my doctor looked at me and said you are only 49! WHY! I want to know what's causing this. He said he could see if I were at hard labor over a jackhammer but a knitter? Could we find out finally? Anything is possible. AND if we get a good trinity Pain, Prime, Rhuem then perhaps they might figure out why this is happening to me and hault the progress??????
WOW so I go to the doctor, he’s so different. When I first saw him 3 years back he was new, scared write Morphine for me afraid of what they would say etc, etc. Now that we are ramping up after being at the top of where I can be on the drug, he was just WONDERFUL! He answered ALL my questions. Told me that the reason I can’t remember my children’s names at times, can’t talk and stutter is all due to the meds I’m taking. Gave me 15 mg more of the M to take at night and I woke with very little pain today I LOVE MY DOCTOR! Never thought you’d hear me say that again right! So then he has all these thoughts about the hip pain and tested (physically) for bursitis as that was his first thought cause the pain feels like inflammation. He hit my FMS pain point and I hit the ceiling and that threw out his theory. So he took a bunch of blood to run me for auto immune etc, etc, and I’ know he will find d-deficiency even though I’m very brown and take a great D daily I still can’t get enough. Then he did the x-rays… he will compare them to the old ones and find that many more vertebra are now consumed by the spurs…. I can tell cause where the spurs are my spine is flat instead of concave.
The last doctor said spinal fusion which was about 5 years ago, I turned my chair around and left crying. My Chiro said NEVER let them operate. I know it will come to it eventually but we will go with the laser surgery if that ever becomes an option.
So meanwhile... doc asks what it would take to get me down the hill in the car... I told him I haven't done it since the grand baby was born and he's over 1 year old now. I asked him for a shot, he said yes! I will only need the one as we are going to see a pain dude and my docs going to make some phone calls to find someone who will not force me to do all the tests again, PT once a week, MRI, density etc before treatment. Those tests,,, I have to lay flat... I can't do it. It's really painful just to get on the x-ray table. So once he finds the right doc we will get the shot, go to the city and get a pump installed in my spine!!!!
I'm soooo happy. See I'm at a 8-10 and doc said it's a shame for me to be 49 and bed ridden, I couldn't agree more but I said doc, "I have been for years now". He said, "yeah but not at a 8-10, we are going to get you back down to a 4-6", which is where I normally reside. WELL! I just read this and these people sound like they can work and garden (which my Chiro said was the MOST physically demanding thing you can do) after the pump! WOW wouldn't it be grand! If I could WALK AGAIN!!!! I don't want to run circles, just to be able to walk again would be great.
*GREAT BIG SIGH*
Today I am thankful for my doctor taking the time with me that I needed and for him caring! It's so rare to find a good doctor but to find a GREAT one - it's exceptional. I have hope again. I'm thankful that my flu ridden beloved was home so that he could take me in as they don't do x-rays on the weekends. Everything just fell into place yesterday.
Before, years ago, when I was in much less pain and we were with Kaiser, I had a great group of docs who worked together to help me.
MAYBE, it can happen again.
MAYBE, I will be able to get up again!
MAYBE, I will be able to drive again.
MAYBE, I will be able to leave the house and OH PLEASE LORD,
MAYBE, I will be able to take my Pixies on a trip, a long trip around the USA in an RV or a "rent a pop tent" behind my car, like I always wanted to do.
MAYBE, some day I will be able to take that cruise finally.
Wouldn't it be swell! Wouldn't it be wonderful?
I'm thankful today that I have hope. HOPE for the first time in YEARS I have hope!