Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

I'm home again after the appointments and tests yesterday.  I'm grateful not to be in that horrific pain.  It was MISERABLE.  Worse then I could have ever have imagined.  It got to the point that I didn't care who saw me sobbing.  So you know it was bad as I hate to make a scene or cry in public.
 
The first test was an ultra sound... been through tons thought it was going to be a walk in the park.  No such luck... she positioned me in such a way as to cause great pain in my spine, made me hold my breath far too long and jabbed the hand held device far too deeply into my gut. 
 
The second test was even worse.   I thought it was just a needle into the gall bladder and some pictures.  NO such luck!  The test was different and more difficult then I thought... it was a scan where I had to lay flat on a thin metal board then sent into the imaging thingy.  Did I tell you I have claustrophobia?  There's NO way I can do flat either due to my spine.  So it was horrible!   They tried to prop my legs up (I sleep on a special bed in a V shape) but couldn't get them far enough up due to the chamber.  Then too I have to move often due to the muscles seizing up and making it worse when I don't.  As if that weren't enough, they told me I had to lay still. The pain in my elbows has been minimal before now... since it healed up a bit after the accident that made the pain there.  Well they shoved hard plastic wings under each side of me to keep my hands flat and immobile.  So there I was... for ONE HOUR!  Having to stay still without any pain meds.  It was so hard.  Needless to say, the longer the visit wore on the worse I got.  I liken it to having your vertebrae made out of cut glass with rough edges.  The glass cutting into your skin, muscles and nerves causing horrific pain that kept going until you feel your sanity slipping away. Pain that high,,, that doesn't end.... it's enough to drive you mad.
 
Keep in mind that I hadn't had any pain medication since the night before, no food since lunch the day before.  Finally at 1pm after all the sobbing and blubbering and PAIN,,, fearsome pain... they said that the gall bladder hadn't come up to bat.  That they needed me to go out for 2 hours without food or pain meds and come back to do it AGAIN!  HELLO!  Can you say "Sadists" I knew you could!  There was no way.  I could hardly get up off of the table. When I did I was shaken to the core and felt like the floor was coming up to say hello.  Kev was wonderful.  If he weren't there holding my hand I don't think I could have even gone through with what all they had done to me.  He took me off the table and rubbed my Fern Creek (great stuff) into my spine and tried to calm and settle me down.  I was a wreak.  Get this... these tests were all done due to the time a few weeks back that I'd gone to the ER with chest pain.  They said it was my gallbladder even though I don't have pain from it.  I know what gallbladder pain feels like as I have had problems with it in the past.  This chest pain, was so NOT gallbladder.  In the past when it would act up I would just take a few swigs of apple cider vinegar and it would disappear.  The chest pains "in" my chest not in my gut.  Not to mention the fact that Nitro works and makes the chest pain go away.  So anyway... here I have done all of this ... and for what I ask you!  The doctor told me that the Hydro (2nd test) was definitive.  Right... so long as the little bugger comes out to play.
 
....sigh....
 
All that misery and you'd think that I would be miserable but you know what?  I'm not.  I learned some things.  First I learned that I am very strong and that I can go through a heck of a whole bunch of pain with some grace.  Next I learned that the daily pain that I have - with my pain meds all on board - is not so very bad at all... relatively speaking.  Even though I'm crippled, chair and house bound I'm doing ok.  That old saying ... if you don't have your health you have nothing, don't believe it, it's a lie.  Another thing I learned yesterday is that I'm reasonably content with my lot in life.  I have a lovely family who adores me and I have pain meds which take the bulk of my pain down to tolerable.  We have insurance and Kev's got what looks like long term work that he loves.  It's not making the bills yet but eventually we hope to be able to make it all work out.  You might look at us and say how do you manage?  I can only say that it's by God's good grace and my fragile faith in Him that makes me get up every day.  Through the love and consideration of my family and their presence in my life... I have it made.  I don't have my health, we don't have money but I am content and happy with my lot.  Funny how that works but I feel very rich indeed, blessed is what we are.  I hope you are happy and content too.
 

Friday, October 15, 2010

Midnight Madness

I can't sleep.... what else is new?  Fibro gives you insomnia and I guess I missed my window of opportunity for sleep tonight.  So here I am.  As my eldest reminded me I'm overdo for a midnight rambling.... now that I'm here I'm not sure which direction to take.  I like to try to stay upbeat here and well... I haven't been doing well physically and so I haven't had any good news to impart.  Do I tell you what's going on there or do I just stick to what I do best?  KNITTING!!!!  HAHA  

Just tonight I finished my Niebling shawl.  It's lovely.  As I got closer to the end I realized that the cone wasn't going to be enough and so I dyed up another 440 yards in jet black.  It works nicely with the beige.  I had wanted to steek up the front cause I don't like circular shawls... BUT I ran out of the black yarn and I have no more black dye!  Story of my life.  So as soon as I can get me some more black dye I will work the steek.  Meanwhile it's done for the time being which is good as I'm expecting some work yarn in tomorrow.  I GOT A JOB!  Well, at least one sweater anyway.  It will help me to give nicer gifts to my immediate family then just hand knits which is all we can afford.

I think I have a few photos for you even!!!  :-)

Here's my lovely, soon to be adult daughter.  She was so radiant on her way to church that day that I just had to get a photo of her.  She's wearing a strand of pearls that she strung and knotted herself!  That used to be my skirt! :-)  She's as tall as I am now,,, which isn't saying much since my 5'2" frame is gnarling with the arthritis in my spine and making me into the hunchback lady from Lebec!

The weather is always a safe topic so here you have my beef,,, it was 80 something today and this was taken just a few days ago... that's hail in my front yard.  Weather needs to get with the program, here we are half way through October and we should be getting socked in with clouds as we live in and above them.  :-)


Here's the Niebling.  It's my first and he's fast becoming one of my all time favorite designers.  Me being me... I took a few liberties with the pattern and will be steeking it when the dye comes in.  It's now off the needles but I can't take a good photo of it and really show it to you till it's steeked and properly nailed down.  This was taken a few days ago... there's now about 4" of that black border.  It looks smashing.  What with the black being a bit thinner then the beige there's a bit of natural shoulder shaping going on in there so I'm glad the plan has been to whack at it all along.


This is my Squishy.  The yarn was purchased as you see it in the ball.... yup LOUD and glaring.  I didn't think it was going to be so orange and it's sat here for about 2 years with me thinking I'd just destash it.  Rather then go through all of that we dyed it.  I just used spruce and purple..... lots of them to make more of a black color.  You can still see the purple when knitting but it's soooooooooo much nicer now then it was.  I have cast on a sweater and one of the reasons I can't sleep is for thinking of all the different avenues open to me.  I'm pretty sure it's going to be a pullover... hooded with pewter clasps in an open field at the top of the chest which I will steek out of the finished fabric.  Thinking about doing a K1P1 over the waist.  Thinking about adding an attached scarf to cover the exposed chest so that I can have coverage when I get cold there.  Pretty sure it will be raglan shaping at the top.  I seed stitched the bottom hem and am currently at the waist.  I can knit a sweater in 6 days, so if my work yarn doesn't get here tomorrow I will have made great strides on this by Monday when it will come in.

Ok,,, I'll talk, Monday... that cursed day.  I haven't written in so long cause I have been fighting all my ailments and they have been winning.  I have been spending more time in bed then out of it trying to "feel better" which as ever, eludes me.  So why is Monday cursed?  First you have to understand that it takes me all morning and into the afternoon to feel like a human being and not just one massive ball of pain.  I take a great many pain meds (big guns too) that finally kick in by 5pm.  At around 9pm I'm ready to play and enjoy my family who's now headed for bed.  On Monday I have some tests and a doctors appointment.  The tests are at 10 and the doctors at 9,,, two different places.  Each are one hour from my home, over the bumpy dirt road in a truck!  The problem?  NO MEDS  The test I'm taking at 10am requires me to have no medicine and especially no pain meds for the 12 hours prior to the test.  I don't like crying in public.  Even less then crying... I don't like screaming and moaning in public.  There's no way to avoid all of same.  Due to the Fibro I'm even more sensitive to all the arthritis in my spine, not to mention that I will be getting a needle injection into my gallbladder.  Oh joy!  So I'm freaked and wanting to call the whole thing off.  I know it's for the best.  I know that I need to do these things.  I also know that the consultation with the cardiologist will be incoherant, through tears and well... DH can do all the talking.  I should be grateful that I can finally get these things done... that DH will take off of work to care for me.  Instead I just tremble at the thought of all that pain.  sigh,,, this is why I didn't want to write.

So, back to my Squishy... why on earth would anyone call a sweater Squishy?
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5674495&l=ca05b2560c&id=618891720 
I tried and tried to get you a picture instead of a URL but I'm not as puter literate as I'd like to be.  So there's the URL.  If you go there you will see a photo of a tank of mine in Happy Aqua.  Front, center and at the top is Squishy.  She's a snail!  A very florescent snail but a snail none the less.  The yarn so reminds me of Squishy whom I adore.

Well I hope that ya'll are having a great day and are doing real well in everything you do.