Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Dad's Passing

Last night (I started this post on 8-12) at about 11:30pm I was crying for no apparent reason.  I was panicked and stressed fearing that  major depression overcoming me.  YUP without any reason or cause as all was apparently well and I had been relatively happy and content.

....Until I got the phone call early this morning that my Dad had gone home at that exact same time.  Weird eh?  I have had this premonition stuff for a really long time... not sure that I like it but it's just another aspect of me.

I'm not able to cry when I heard that his passing was quiet and they made him as comfortable as possible that helped too.  I have had a collapsed lung in 2000 and ever since I have been super sensitive to his emphysema, drowning in your own lungs just seems like it would be the worse possible death.  So I'm lightened knowing that he went peacefully and not fitful.

Somehow I thought I would cry buckets of tears but so far they are just not coming.  I have (we all have) cried buckets of them for the last few ... make that last long years.   I wish I could have been there to hold his hand but seeing him there in the hospital bed with the dementia was hard on my heart.

I prefer to remember him highlighted by the (ok here come the tears!) windows in the Craig house, back to the windows sitting at the dining room table.  He was always playing Solitaire after school.  Course I changed that and we played hours, days, weeks worth of 500 and Gin Rummy.

... Fast forward to 8-18... I wrote the above on the 12th.  Mom was here over the weekend and I wanted, NEEDED to be strong for her.  She's always been a bulwark for the entire family, always has been as long as I can remember... she has even called herself the strong one.  So this time I put aside my feelings and just wanted to be there for her.  We had a lovely quiet weekend.  Katie had made like 60 taquitos so we had plenty of food.  The children would bring us plates made up nacho style and they waited on Mom hand and foot.  She felt very spoiled.  She broke down once or twice and I just was there for her.  The one time she learned why I use hankies instead of tissue as it broke up and made a mess.  :-)  I love my hankies and my Mommy.

We had a really nice time.  She went to church with the family (I don't get to go) and everyone said OH you must be Wendys Mom.  My how the tables have turned.  Back when I got my first job it was working with Mom in what's now called Macy's.  Back in the day I was "Dotties daughter" so now it's her turn as "Wendys Mom".  LOL they all said how much she looked like me and of course she said,,, no it's her that looks like me.  She's a nut and so are we all so she fit right in. 

 She loved  being here and when DH took her back down to the city she hated it and wanted to turn right back around and come back HOME!  YUP she called it home.  There was a time when she said she could never live here as it's brown all summer (no it never rains in Southern California that's for sure) so I was thinking she'd never want to come up.  We still built our home with her in mind.  We have 4 bedrooms... one has 12' of closet for storage which I thought she might like... or she could have one of the other rooms.  She would only need to stay in the room until our finances loosen up and we can build her a Granny house.  We have 2.5 acres and there's this spot which could have a single house really easily.  There's already a gate to get out over there and a bit of a driveway so when we get the funds it would be a snap to have DH and DS out there building it.  DH was a framer,,, a steel worker (rebar) and a project manager for a construction company so he's got the in's to get it done.  Just a large open single with an enclosed bath is all she wants.  We have been planting all types of trees, flowers and all so that she would see it doesn't have to be all brown all of the time.  Just takes a bit of work to get it all nice and green here.... and a lot of drip hose.  :-)  Not a problem... just work and money is needed which always seems to come when we need it so I'm not to think on those things.

All that to say that's not why I'm here writing.  Nope... I'm here cause I haven't been able to grieve... till tonight.  It's 11pm, 2 hours past my bed time and I can't sleep for crying!  All this time since he died I have been empty, blank... no thoughts... no mourning... just empty.  Well, it hit me hard tonight, see I had a spell with my heart, all that aweful pain made me think of my Dad and his bad heart.  When it lightened up it just bowled me over from out of the blue... I realized that I will never see him again.  I wasn't there to hold his hand for the passing.  He was all alone... how very sad to die all alone!  What with my ailments I wasn't able to go down to see him in the hospital but two times.  The last time we played cards and laughed and had a great time.  I'm so glad I was able to be there that day for him... for me... for all of us to say good by.  As we drove away I knew it was the last time I was going to see him.  Deep down I knew it was the end and it made me very sad.  So I guess I have been grieving for a lot longer then I think I have.  What with his ailments being of such long duration as well.  So many hospitalizations... so many tears and fearful thoughts of "is this the end?  Will he pass this time?"  Now it's finally happened.

Yes, there is comfort in knowing that he's not in any more pain... not drowning in his lungs any more.  There's no more pain from a body that quit years and years ago, that's good.  That helps me... but only just a little.  It helps knowing he's up with Jesus and everyone of his family.   For months now he's been asking after his immediate family who had all passed before him.  So now he's with them all and can tell his Mom why he couldn't phone home to tell her he was going to be delayed.  There was no phone in his room or he might have been calling all over the place.  ;-)

It hurts to know I will never walk into Moms house again and say Hey YOU!  How ya doin and give him a big hug and a kiss.  Nope... he's just not there.  Mom's changed the house around and all remnants are going to disappear fairly rapidly as it sounds like she really wants to be up here so I think it will be a quick exit... stage left.  We'd love to have her here... she's just nuts and really fits in well... but such awful circumstances to have her come live with us under.

That raccoon I told you about in the last post... well... Dad gave him to me all those years ago.  Needless to say he's becoming a fast, constant companion.

I'm very blessed to have a loving husband and some great children.  The Lords' in control of everything including Dad. 
  I love you Dad and I will miss you 
awful bad... for a long time to come.

2 comments:

  1. Stay strong, Wendy. You are a beloved daughter. You are an amazing woman and I will be praying for you. (hugs) Love always, Lori S

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